maybe he can be the one to change all that. put my fears and irrational paranoia to rest. i don’t want any other relationship. ever. i hope he can help me. i’ve got to try and help myself, too. something has to change. maybe not perpetually swimming in hormones thanks to depo could provide me with rational thoughts and emotions. but emotions aren’t exactly rational regardless. i just know sooner than later my…issues… are going to affect both of us.
i have fucking issues. fuck insecurity. fuck trust. & there’s no good way to communicate this. how’s laying in the bed you share, while your boyfriend (ex) is messaging another girl about he’s going to fly out to fuck her. for months. laying in bed, while he gets pictures of her. you’re a room away. wtf. it’s made me crazy to this day. guess i’m one to talk though. at least it was for love, right? right?
today i hate myself. what’s new.
wtb self worth & confidence and perhaps a fucking purpose.
have you ever cried and tried putting on makeup? it’s a battle.
i had my interview at Ross today. went well, but she made me nervous with the “we’ll call you with our answer Friday” stuff. also, no tattoos or piercings. guess i’ll spend this summer in long sleeves, lol. or those big bandaids. if there’s a followup call and i can ask about dress code and stuff, i’ll ask about the bandaids. maybe bring them in, or a picture. because even the big ones i’d need to use at least 2. and then it might look like i’m suicidal if i’m wearing big bandaids over my wrist and forearm. well, here’s to hoping i get a good call back!
the dreams in which i’m dying are the best i’ve ever had.
hayley and the ritualistic suicide.
& fuck you for making me cry.
i feel so sorry for michael sometimes.
i didn’t know 7 was such a difficult age. or so it seems. michael gets very frustrated that caleb isn’t behaving well in school, and i don’t know what to say to help. either he actually does have something like ADHD or he’ll grow out of it. he’s very smart, & social (maybe too social at school…lol) so it’s not like autism. i don’t know. i’m not sure how well he was acting before i got here, & i get scared it has to do with me being here but i can’t figure out how. i don’t spend almost any alone time with caleb, i mostly try to stay out of daddy & caleb time or mommy & caleb time. so, basically trying to write myself out of the factors concerning his attitude and how he behaves. i know michael’s at a loss for how to stimulate caleb. does he punish him when he does badly, or reward him when he does well? so far, there’s been more opportunities to punish him (i.e., no TV, video games, has to clean his room, etc) than there has been to reward him. but the chance is always there. he says we’ll go get ice cream, or he can go to a friend’s house or you name it, if he can have just one good day at school and it’s the same thing every day. mostly it’s just talking, he’s a friendly kid and just has trouble knowing when it’s time to not talk. but twice since i’ve been here, he’s gotten notes sent home. that seems very bad. :( and i feel bad, because he gets down on himself for it. he says he hates himself when he does badly, and is disappointed in how he acted. he asked me the other night if i thought he was good at anything.
i know michael takes it all very personally, probably as a very direct personal reflection of his parenting and honestly, i think he’s an amazing dad. he beats (still beats) himself up about caleb being like an hour late to school one day because he slept in too late. parents can make mistakes too, parents can accidentally sleep in too. :) doesn’t make him feel better though…
i know he impresses upon caleb the need to listen carefully and not talk, it seems to be forgotten very soon after. which seems selective, because he can name facts about every star wars movie/show/book, facts about natural disasters, and a detailed time-line of every sonic game. maybe people retain information they enjoy better than what they don’t.
and it’s not just school, i know it can frustrate michael when caleb goes the bathroom 8 times a night to get out of doing homework, or cleaning his room or anything he doesn’t want to do. it’s 4:30 and he’s been in the bathroom 3 times so far since we got back from school. so 3 times in about an hour? i know michael finds it hard to know if he’s actually going or playing, he seems to catch him in there playing more than anything. /shrug
school’s out soon, so either he’ll finish the school year out like this, or get better before summer break. maybe start 2nd grade off better. when he starts doing well, we can do fun stuff, like go to the park or zoo or something. i’m sure michael wishes he could do more fun stuff with caleb, but probably doesn’t want to feel like he’s rewarding him for not doing well. like “oh, you didn’t get a sticker today? well, let’s go the park and get ice cream.”
i don’t recall my mom ever taking TV/video games away from me when i didn’t do well, mainly b/c i didn’t watch tv or have video games til middle school. besides switches, spankings, and crying because i disappointed her i can’t think of anything else. oh, the “be good” chart. which michael actually adopted a similar system for caleb. so far, he hasn’t earned a thing. :( but it worked well for me, i was always very proud when i did well on my chart. very driven about my star stickers on my chart. :D lol
michael should at least have comfort that caleb just talks alot. maybe some not following directions and arguing mixed in, but at this age aren’t boys usually like getting in fights? stealing? i don’t know. better than caleb getting notes sent home for talking than punching another kid in the face. :P
i hope if michael and i have a kid that it looks like one of us. caleb looks so much more like his mom than michael, lol. random thought in a random post.
so tired. T_T want to sleep foreverz.
homemade long islands, bleaching our own horde t-shirts, rice box and star wars coloring pages.
(he loves my pink fag trooper. )
We are tepid dogs. We were called hot dogs when we were young. We felt like we were happy in those days, but we are happier because these we really are.
please take me out of my body up through the palm trees to smell California in sweet hypocrisy.
that boy, he, that boy’s got woe. he lives with woe.
i wish i could like, record my inner thoughts so when i do get a chance to actually write them out i could remember them. blahblahblah i have issues i need to get over. probably the jizz of it, anyway. mainly, when you know you’re being lied to & you just want them to tell you the truth. well, because you already know it. i guess what’s the point of asking questions to which you already know the answer.
also, since not living with matt (aka practically alone) i realize what a fucking freak i am about stuff being dirty. or germy. and how i won’t use the bathroom after other people unless it’s been a few hours. if i get old, i’m going to have to wear fucking diapers because i’ve ruined my bladder and kidneys. i will seriously hold it in for hours if someone has used the bathroom recently. wtf brain? i mean, since i spent most of the day alone, i didn’t have a problem going when i needed. and when matt was home, it was such a minor part of the day that it didn’t matter. lol, god i sound insane. and yeah, i’d much rather be here with michael than alone and using the bathroom whenever. it’s not that i find him or other people gross. i find bathrooms to generally be disgusting. i scald my hands several times a day.
why else do i feel crazy lately? maybe this job shit. guess i am worthless, lul.
think i’ll go take a boiling hot shower.