why do i care more about her kid than she does? i guess that’s a… bold statement. but i do feel like most of the time i care about what’s best for him. i worry a lot more than i let on, and i just…want him to be happy & healthy and that’s why i care what he eats. i want him to get the most out of this summer, instead of plopping in front of the tv or video games. i want him to remember this summer, not waste it. it just hit me the other day how much he has the potential to turn out like matt. video games and fast food, no true friends. little motivation. and i only say that, because i’m sure that’s how matt grew up; fast food & video games. i hope he takes after michael in his education views. and work ethic. i’m not sure what i hope he gets from tasha… =/ so far, i can’t see any redeeming qualities. well, i guess i mean i hope he doesn’t see food stamps and living in the ghetto and not working in a decade as an acceptable life style choice. and then, there is hope because i saw my dad basically doing the same and i don’t want to be like that. but, i didn’t love him like he loves her. but its mainly because he was a shitty dad, and even early on when i didn’t realize that yet, my mom made sure a male role model in my life was doing what my biological dad
couldn’t wouldn’t do; work and feed us.
another topic, i hope we can teach him some basic stuff this summer. then perhaps around the holidays, he can show his family how much he’s grown up. eating with his mouth closed, not licking his hands, indoor voice, going to the bathroom right, washing his hands. i think it’d be really impressive if he could master a few things. :) the challenge will be if he can do them the weeks he is with her (she doesn’t care about any of it, far as i’ve witnessed).
well, first week at books a million over. my training days are mixed up, and after 3 days of 4-6 hours training shifts, i still can’t run a register. (i.e, haven’t been trained on it) and the managers talk shit about employees alot. and that’s just what i’ve overheard myself. well, they don’t even hide it. first day, candy was glad this girl deana called in because “she wasn’t good, and bryant was better anyway.” that being the nicest bad comment i’ve heard so far. all the managers are pretty hateful, especially andrea. but yesterday wasn’t too bad. she just does NOT have a nice voice. it’s loud and aggressive and she’s intimidating. and so far i work all mornings with her, lol… well, money is money and i hope we move soon so i have an excuse to quit and get another job.
we saw the avengers last night, it was good! it was fun making fun of scarlett johanson for having like wimpy guns, and everyone else almost is such a badass with superpowers and is actually helping. we laughed about it for a while :) but i think robert downey jr and thor made the movie for me anyway… ;)
I had come to terms with just knowing tasha makes dumb decisions and is pretty clueless on the basics of raising a child, but the more Michael tells me, the more i am truly terrified for Caleb. like, she already feeds the kid fast food 3 times a week. when she visits on tuesdays, friday night when she picks him up, saturday usually, and Michael agreed on Sundays he could pick where the 3 of us eat. as a treat, and to let Caleb have a little control (he is/was acting out not having any). she’s also almost 30, living in the projects, no job in more than half a decade living on foodstamps. her rent is literally $20 a month. and last weekend i went out there, she was filling out an application to move to a cheaper apartment. any cheaper, and she’ll be living in a cardboard box. the apartment she’s in already doesn’t have doors that i’ve seen, but i refuse to go more than 5 feet inside. i’ve seen sheets nailed above the doors, and filthy tile floors (i mean gas station filthy) and that’s enough. Michael makes video games and TV a reward for Caleb but everytime we go to pick him up, she has him parked on the computer. why don’t you parent him? she’ll update facebook all weekend, and Caleb comes home talking about all the TV they watched. maybe if you had a job, you could take him to do something. LOL, n’ah. it’s frustrating to me, because I’d like Caleb to have a positive role model. He saw for a few months that all 3 of us didn’t work and we even talked about it. But now that I’m working, hopefully he’ll see the value in it. But I doubt it. And well Michael will be getting a job soon, and I pray to god we move to Huntsville. I think then, they’ll meet halfway with Tasha on Fridays to drop him off, and Sundays same thing. It’s farther away, and hopefully she won’t have the means to move closer. Also, god yesterday he was telling me something retarded she did (you know, like make him sleep in the bed with her til he was 5 years old, or have him crawl in bed with her when she was sick a month ago and make him sick. he was really pitiful sick too. she’s very selfish.) and then he told me about a picture she uploaded to facebook of Caleb in the backseat that she took with her phone…. while driving…. and caleb isn’t buckled up. and uploaded it to fb. are you fucking retarded? you shouldn’t have a kid, period. if you are that fucking stupid, to take a picture while you’re driving of an unbuckled kid in the backseat, you’re just terrible. Michael’s mom saw it, and told him about it. I’m not sure what came of it, but I looked on hers today to see if I could see it, and I saw another just like it almost taken a few months ago and he’s buckled up, but you can see blur lines out of the window because she took it while driving. And the only reason he’s buckled up, is because Michael taught him how and now he does it every time he’s in the car. Even before I got here. I mean, you can’t always protect your child and they will get hurt but if you can prevent them flying through the fucking windshield because you’re busy taking pictures behind you while you drive and uploading to facebook, then you should fucking do it. I’m just legit terrified. I already know she texts/calls when she drives and whatever, do it when you’re alone but not with your fucking 7 year old. She texted Michael a few minutes after she left with him, so again texting and driving. Grow up, and act like you have common sense. I’m still reeling. I knew she was uneducated, but fuck. Ain’t got no learnin’s, that fancy car strap ain’t no good.
can’t tell if terrible girlfriend or truly just better off dead
so, tonight volley wins the maw on his paladin he’s been bring like 2 weeks now. he was on his druid, and i passed a trinket to him b/c he was using a 359. (trinket only used for 1 or 2 fights where he is our 3rd healer) i was trying to be nice b/c it was a good upgrade for him over my 384 of the same thing. then i pass the same trinket again to raykie who offheals 1 or 2 fights as well. i figure we need them to heal with me sometimes so its not going to waste. this is week after week of pulling my hair out stressing carrying bad healer pugs that i’m passing loot to guildies to be nice. or outright losing upgrades for me to pugs. (see, offhand to holy paladin, maw to resto shaman barely doing half mine or tier to equally bad pugs). so tonight, the heroic verson of seal of the seven signs drop. i pass to volley b/c its better for holy paladins for now. (even though he was upgrading a 397 and i was upgrading a 384). i pass b/c i’m nice. then the maw drops and he wins. maws are great, and i have the 390. i’ve had the 390 and lost the 403 to pugs. even volley’s druid has the fucking 403 maw. but volley is taking the maw over his 410 offhand which isn’t better than the maw but its certainly good enough. i mean, every fucking week i carry the heals so hard. i tell him (and pugs) what buttons to press and win and rarely are my efforts reworded. actually, mostly i lose tier to raykie. which is w/e b/c its his alt too but my priest is my MAIN alt. that i would rather play my mage, you know my main i achievement grind on. but i can’t. b/c we need a solid healer. and superspammin already plays his mage. so i’m forced to heal the same instance twice a week. and its not so bad, i do like playing my priest and i would try and get alt runs on my mage if there was a free night or i had practice or gear but i don’t have either b/c i heal it each week. i am completely unprepared for DS normal as a dps role. the only “practice” i get is LFR where it’s severely gimped and the mechanics don’t matter. but i digress. so lately, wow is all i have. so yeah i’m upset i don’t win the maw. or that volley doesn’t pass it b/c i’ve literally passed 3 items to him to help him out and i don’t get shit. michael doesn’t even say sorry or “maybe next time” no. it’s the only time i’ve seen the maw drop, perhaps the last time it’ll ever drop. i’ve done madness like…15 times. ultra 18. LFR ultra included, that makes almost 30 times and no offhand. so yeah, i’m depressed as fuck, can’t get a job to save my life. have nothing to my name and adjusting to a completely new life that freaks me the fuck out. my only comfort is wow. even if i don’t have wow friends. i can’t have real friends in the guild b/c i’m “the gm’s girlfriend” and no one acts like a real person to me it feels like. actually, they only talk to me to find out when sheitan is getting on, or if he wants to do that. or to tell him kyra’s getting harassed in vent. my old friends don’t really want to talk. and then all i can do is email allie. its hardly the instantaneous communication i’m used to with friends. so yeah, maybe i feel like wow is more important than it should be. but to just start ignoring/avoiding me and when i ask why you say “to get away from your bitching”. yeah, i’m upset.
i’m trying to channel all my, what’s the word…, unsavory feelings into some stupid blog and not lay any of it on you b/c you have enough on your mind but it doesn’t always work that way and sometimes i want my boyfriend to make me feel better instead of acting like i’m a stupid bitch for being upset over something stupid. yeah, it’s dumb. it’s just a dumb game. (that we spend hours and hours a week on and if you lost something you’ve wanted for weeks to someone who alt switches every month you’d be fucking upset too) but it doesn’t excuse you from being an asshole about it. to you i’d say “aw, i’m sorry baby. maybe next time!” instead of “that’s what you get for giving him the trinket and trying to be nice”.
good life lesson. never be fucking nice because no one will be fucking nice to you.
no call, so i didn’t get it.
michael smiles at me and says “you went through my texts?” and i just shrugged. what can i say? i guess i’m mostly over it. just accepted that shit happened and all i can do is move forward. my feelings are hurt but then again, when aren’t they hurt lately. not sure what i’m going to say. if anything. doesn’t seem like he’s speaking to me, which is fine i guess. i’d like to know how he feels, but probably just angry. “just” meaning very i guess. violated probably. i don’t know what to do. yeah, he just came in threw some socks from the door way and closed the door rather loudly behind him. i had wondered if i could go a day w/o crying. guess i’ll start tomorrow.
24 minutes til i hear about if i got the job or not. no call = no job.
michael let me borrow his phone to have in the interview in case i needed to call and ask for more directions. since there was 2 other women there getting interviewed, there was about 20 minutes of downtime. i tried to figure out a way to get a hold of michael at home, but he wouldn’t have checked his email. so i thought about texting my mom. i open up his messages, and scrolled way too far and landed on his texts with kaylee. wish i hadn’t read those… then, i see sarah’s. i’m too curious. i left his messages open on the one that hurt me the most. telling her that he was done talking to me, and her saying something about fucking her the weekend before. which would have been like halloween. which we were definitely talking then, and he was saying he was pained at the thought of me still being with matt although i assured him i didn’t have feelings for him emotionally or physically. meanwhile, he’s fucking the town and meeting women off Okcupid. not sure if i can be mad, i guess at the fact he swore to me he didn’t want to be with other women b/c of how he felt for me. so many thoughts. wonder how he’ll react when he knows i’ve read them. maybe kick me out. guess i’ll be back in knoxville sooner than i thought.
& thanks melissa and kayla
thanks for the nice words, it means more than you know. the crushing loneliness down here is driving me crazy. i feel like all i have is tumblr.
fuck my life. i had a long post typed out, but swiped my palm on the touch pad and it erased everything. how fucking perfect for a post about how there can’t possibly be any karma in the world because i’m not in any contact with human beings and somehow have raked in all this negative bullshit. i was in tears writing it and now i’m in tears laughing about how absolutely perfect it is that all that got deleted. fucking classic.
to sum what was erased: i feel like shit, have a job interview tomorrow i am dreading, crying crying crying, hate myself, self confidence lol, eternally punished.
i miss having friends to text when i was having a rough time. i miss being able to drive over and talk it out. i miss someone being on my side, instead of always against me. i miss not always being the enemy of everyone else’s feelings. i could be having a rough time. too. i could have stuff on my mind, too.
i should add
i should add that i shouldn’t feel bad i have other pet preferences. i’m not a small animal person. i’m not into rodentia or snakes or spiders. rabbits might be the only exception, except i probably wouldn’t get one on my own. as far as small critters go, i find them…dirty. and rather un-entertaining. they don’t love you, they have no sense of loyalty. they’re fun for about 20 minutes and then you’re shoving them in their food/poop/sleep cage for another few days. with dogs, they’re fun. they’ll curl up next to you, they’ll LISTEN for one. you can train them. i mean, they don’t call any other animal “man’s best friend.” police don’t train ferrets or hamsters to protect them. michael says ferrets have a mind of their own, a lot of free will which is why she doesn’t really come when called or know any tricks. so it’s basically like having a tiny furry roommate who sleeps 22 hours a day, intermittently shitting and pissing in a box, and if you do want some company she’d rather hide under the couch or slide under your chair and make you wonder if you’ll forget she’s there and accidentally crush her to death. or lick your toes (hell no >_<). i get it, in his opinion she’s a fun animal. in my opinion, she’s not fun and she’s not cute and she’s very smelly. i don’t know, small animals as pets seem to me more like lazy baby sitting. food in a bowl, shit in a box and i’ll play with you when i’m bored. dogs to me are way more fun. like i said, they can be trained and you don’t have to force them (like he had to with his ferret) with no other options to shit in the right place. few accidents for a dog and they mostly get the point. apparently ferrets just pick a corner, any corner and they’ll be damned if its in the box, on the bedding or under their own water bottle. (mini rant, if you’ve never smelled ferret feces 5 feet from your face forcefully for months you wouldn’t understand.)
i’m on the fence about cats. they’ll come when called to a point and they’ll play. otherwise they’re low key. kinda what i like/don’t like about cats.
consider that i moved away from everything i know to be here. i moved straight with your son and pet you adopted with some psychotic girl you used to fuck and i sleep every night in the bed where you fucked some other girl (who you said you didn’t) that tried to drive us apart from the beginning. consider i spend most of my time a foot away from the animal you got with the crazy girl you fucked, and put up with smelling her shit and “musk” for months. consider when i see your ferret, it reminds me of how you tend to let batshit insane girls stay with you and fuck them. (consider that i consider myself that to you.) consider i see your ex girlfriend 3 times a week. consider i know you all text everyday. and i get it. i know why, and i know it always pertains to your son and like i said, i’m fine with that. more than fine. but consider caleb still calls me by the crazy girl you fucked’s name. consider multiple times he’s said he wishes we could all live together. how uncomfortable for me, right? i’m dealing with a whole new life, and a whole new range of emotions tied to this life and tied to feeling how i do for you.